Music/Composing and Mental Health
I’ve been debating posting something like this for a while, but after some deliberation and good text exchange with my friend Mark Bone I feel compeled. I just wanted to write down some thoughts on mental health and working in music. This has been on my mind recently because I struggle with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I tend to struggle silently, and then only talk to someone when I feel like i’m coming undone. I just wanted to outline how this affects me, and then a couple of techniques and habits that I’m trying to implement in my day to day that help me immensely!
So on a good day, I’m productive, personable, friendly, funny, and creative, and love digging into ideas and seeing where they may go. On a bad day, I can be almost the complete opposite. Withdrawn, depressed, anxious, solitary, irritable, and despondent. I tend to internalize problems, stew about things and worry. Work doesn’t get done, and if it does I convince myself that it isn’t good enough and that I will never successful. I lived in Scotland in the early 2001 for most of a year and the Scottish had a saying that everyone seemed to know. “If you don’t like the weather, wait 5 mins”. The weather in Aberdeen, on the coast of the Northern Sea, changed so fast. Sunny, cloudy, rain, sleet, and everything in between seemed to happen on the same day. That’s how my mental state can be on a bad day. I take rejections way to personally, and the slightest negative comment or inflection in a voice can send me on a spiral that may take literally days to completely recover from. This isn’t a good way to be in a business that seems to provide more rejection than success. I don’t want to be this way but at the present time, this is unfortunately my reality. The last few months have been fairly tough in this regard, but I’ve also started to take steps to notice, correct and change behaviour. I’ve had to think long and hard about what I’m doing to allow this to happen, and what can I do to change how me and my brain react. These are a couple things I’ve implemented or realized that have really helped! Hopefully they can help someone else as well.
Create a Plan Daily
- I’ve found it extremely helpful to before I shut down the night before to go over what I want/need to accomplish for the next day and form a plan of attack. It help keeps me focused, on task, and keeps my mind from drifting. I like deadlines, and having things laid out for me when I get down to the studio is invaluable. If I don’t do this, I tend to let the day dictate itself. If inspiration strikes, this can be a great thing but more often that not if I don’t have a plan I drift in and out of work. When this happens, I am extremely susceptible to the whims of the day, and can find myself in a negative mental spiral very quickly. For me, I write down in my notebook and in ToDoist what I need to accomplish and that is helpful for keeping me physically and mentally on track. Part of that also means that I block Social Media sites, and also anything else (sports and music sites) I check way too often during the time when I’m working. There are lots of ways to do that, but I recommend getting some form of app that you set a time limit and it blocks until that time limit is up. Just keeps me focused and also out of the mine field that is Social Media!
Mentally Separate Myself From My Work
- This is so tough to do for me, and I suspect the same for a lot of creatives. What I create matters so much to me! I place an immense amount of importance on that, and it is definitely tied up in in my identity. This is unhealthy and volatile. It means that if I make something that is good and that people like, then I am fulfilled. The opposite is also true. If I create something that is mediocre (which happens often. Not everything you make is your best work. By definition it can’t be!) then I am opening myself up to disappointment, depression, and a low view of myself. If I submit something to a brief, or something I have created gets rejected, then I am truly in a rut. Now, I think a distinction needs to be made. I am not saying not to be PROUD of your work. You should be! If you aren’t proud of what your making, then you need to do some self reflection. I am saying that as creatives, we need to divorce ourselves for the approval of others and even how well our art does. If the piece you worked on today never makes any money, does that mean your are a failure or a terrible human? Absolutely not! It just means that you’ve made something good and you should celebrate it!
Don’t Suffer in Silence
- This is another one that’s hard for me. I’m naturally an introverted person. I like to think and process things on my own, and talk about them when I feel I have a good handle on what it is I’m feeling. The downside is that I can quickly, as described above, spiral into anxiety and depression. I have been trying to do better the last few months, but somedays can still be tough. I have, in no particular order, done the following:
Gone to counselling
Tried to be more intentional letting my wife in on what’s happening. This means allowing her to tell me when she seems something that isn’t good, and me reacting properly to what she’s saying.
Spend more time with my family, to separate myself from the stress.
Talk with a few, select people who might understand what i’m going through and feeling. These should be close friends. You need to be confident that what your sharing is confidential and private. Those people also need to be people you trust. Don’t just go spilling your stuff out to anyone.
I’m sure there are more things I can do, but these four have helped immensely. I’m done being the suffering creative who can’t talk or articulate what is going on in my head. Every time I do one of those things above, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I feel better. More relaxed, less anxious, joyful. It gives me perspective as opposed to letting things spiral.
Remember Why I’m Doing What I’m Doing
- I make music to be creative, to challenge myself, and because I love it! I sincerely believe that good art can change the world! An old Scottish lawmaker name Andrew Fletcher has a quote that goes something like this: “Let me make the songs of a nation, and I care not who makes its laws.” That is in my head everyday. That might sound lofty or arrogant, and maybe it is, but I believe that it is true. Our culture is shaped and defined by art. Whatever creative thing I put my hands to, I want that to affect the culture in a positive way. I’m not working for instagram likes, accolades, pats on the back or money. If those things happen then awesome, but first and foremost I write because I am in love with music and I believe that it can legitimately change people’s lives. If I allow others to dictate and give what I do value, then I am letting someone decide what the worth of my art is.
Understand How My Brain Works
-I AM NOT A SCIENTIST!!! This is actually incredibly helpful. I don’t know a ton about my brain, but my therapist explained to me how my brain works in one important way. Specifically how my Amygdala works with my Prefrontal Cortex. Again, I’m not a scientist, so please don’t get mad at me if I describe this incorrectly. I am doing my best! Your Amygdala, two little almond shaped pieces of the back of your brain, is your fight or flight centre of your brain. It’s where you get your habitual responses to situations. An example is would be this. If I get a bad email from a client, my Amygdala would fire of a reaction. Something like “Great, here we go again. Another failure. You really suck Tim”. This would have been built up over years of perceived rejection, and would be my default response. That would get sent to my Prefrontal Cortex, which is responsible for my reasoning, thinking, and thought processing. In that section of the brain, I would then have a chance to say to the negative thought “No! That’s not correct. It’s nothing personal. It just wasn’t right for this particular project and it has no bearing on my identity or self-worth”. Too often I allow the initial thought to go unchecked, and then its downhill on freshly waxed skis. Just learning how those two parts of my brain work and interact was extremely helpful in understanding the I CAN RESPOND PROPERLY. I am not a slave to my impulses and initial thoughts.
Pray/Meditate
- So for those who aren’t religious, this might be an odd one but it is invaluable to me. My faith, in this case Christian, is vital to me. I take time every morning to pray and meditate. It’s essential for me. It gives me grounding, and helps me focus. Doesn’t have to be a long time, not usually more than 10-15 mins, but it just gets the day going in the best possible way. It quiets my spirit, and allows me to centre myself. I meditate, or think intently, about who God says I am. The Hebrew’s have a word describing this, called SELAH. Roughly it means “stop and think about it”. That’s what I’m trying to do every morning. Think about who I am, my purpose, and start my day in the right way. Every world-view has something similar to this. Muslims, Jews, Hindu’s, Buddist’s, Atheists, Agnostics, etc… Everyone has someway that they pray or meditate. Everyone has faith in something. I’ve chosen the Christian faith, and I do my best to ground my life in those principals. I haven’t always been consistent with this, but the last few months I have been and it’s been so helpful and life giving.
These things help me start to get my head right. It still means a lot of hard work, and catching myself when I see the patterns that have plagued me so often. It still means allowing those close to me to bring things to my attention that need to be addressed. But it’s a start, and I feel so much healthier.
So with all that said, I’ve decided that I am going to constantly keep the important things in front of me My faith, my family, friends, everything that I am blessed with OUTSIDE of my job. My house, health, clothes, car, etc… I could go on but you get the idea. My work and creative output is important to me but it isn’t THE most important! Be proud of what you do, but don’t let it consume you. Be honest with yourself about how you are feeling and doing, and don’t be afraid to talk or get help if needed. Life is short! Let’s not spend it inside of our heads in depression and anxiety. I believe that we can address our issues and work towards fixing or improving them. We should embrace our problems! Realize that we are all broken people and that the only way we will grow is if we acknowledge and address our problems. We are a unique individuals, and our idiosyncrasies and problems are part of what makes us unique!
As Leonard Cohen wrote in the song Anthem:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
That was probably a lot of rambling and over writing, but I think it’s an important conversation we need to have. If you have anything else you do to address problems like this, write it in the comments. I’d love to hear other ways you guys address this stuff! Also, If you are struggling, send me an email. We’re all in this together!